Big changes

I am reluctantly trying to come to terms with the fact that the job I have now is the last one. Doing visual effects/computer CG is basically not compatible with fibromylagia - not in today's business world anyway. I am very lucky that my boss (and friend) here in Bangkok indulges my health problems and lets me work as much or as little as I can, but I very rarely make it through a 40 hour week, and in movies working *only* a 40 hour week is a rarity. When we get to move back to the West, I can't see any way that I'll be able to continue this career I dreamed of since I was an 8 year old Kiwi kid watching Star Wars in a downtown Auckland theatre.

That is a big concept to wrap my head around. So many things to adapt to. I am not used to the thought of not working - not having that place to go to and being productive and earning money, however little. I hate the thought of being the 'little wifey' at home, even though I know Gagan wouldn't think of me like that for one second (and gets angry at me saying it). Then there are my subconscious hang-ups about the automatic lack of expectations of an Indian family-in-law - that my career wasn't important anyway, and so obviously him supporting me is just expected and the norm. I know that is not how *we* are as a couple... in the core of our 'us-ness', but as a modern (feminist) and independent person for so long I have to find a way to change my feelings about it. I wanted to prove that it was normal for a woman to have an excellent and 'successful' career. Firstly, I have to realise I can't change the thinking of a culture, and secondly, it doesn't matter.

Then there is what other people will think - or shall we say my 'perception' of what they will think. We define ourselves by our job, especially if it is something we enjoy and are proud of. The thought of that moment when people say 'what do you do?' and... I say nothing. Logically I know I shouldn't feel that way - that it doesn't matter what people think, but in reality it's not that easy. The CG industry is full of over-achieving brilliant people with more than their fair share of ego, and I can't say I have reached the enlightenment of not caring what people think yet. Perhaps the act of putting it into words here should make me see how useless it is to worry in the grand scheme of things.

Lastly - there's how I will actually find new meaning in life. I can't begin to answer that yet. We'll see. We're not even close to facing this yet and being lucky enough to move, so all of this is just theoretical right now. But it is coming.

Anyway... all this is a long laboured intro to a wonderful talk by Alain De Botton at TED. His amusing and insightful thoughts struck a chord with me, and I think it's something I will need to live by in the future. What it means to be successful. Not defining success as climbing the career ladder, but having success in life, as a human. What will that take so that I can feel fulfilled and not have regrets. And I don't think it should take a monumental life change for any of us to ask these questions and discover our own answers.

2 comments:

  spajadigit

11/17/09, 1:08 AM

It's weird, I used to define myself as an animator. That was when I was fresh out of school and for at least ten years after that.

Now? Not so much. There are so many other, better labels... Dad, partner, friend. Artist, responsible adult. Big kid. Gamer, theme park addict, world traveller. What I do for a living isn't me, it's what I do to make money so I can do all those things that are me.

I like it better that way.

  jude

11/17/09, 10:31 AM

:) Thanks Steve. Yes.. you're right. We are so much more than that, and I'm sure I'll find my way. I certainly don't think about work much at all anymore, my inspirations come from so many other things - hence the blog ;) So... on to new chapters!

Maybe animals and writing will be in the future... that sounds rather nice!

 


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