It's been a rough few days. Not sure if harder than normal but I just don't seem to have coped very well. Perhaps when the pain is intense for many days, and the migraine drugs don't work, it all gets too much. Or maybe it's just the withdrawal from weaning off this bloody awful Lorazepam.  Things are worse at night. In the past it was migraines that were the main source of pain, but for the last year or so I have chronic neck and facial pain that rivals the worst my head can dish up. At night it feels like the pillow turns to rock and the weight of my head crushes the muscle and skin in a vice. The muscles in my neck hurt so intensely it makes me want to tear them out, and the migraines that come every morning leave me in despair. Two nights ago I realised I felt scared to even go to bed, knowing it was all waiting for me.

I made the mistake of going to work yesterday and thinking I could push through it when it was much worse than I thought. Live and learn I suppose. I couldn't do anything - sat and watched YouTube all day and tried not to think what a terrible employee I was. Every muscle hurt and every sense was painful.  I saw Gagan combing websites trying to learn as much as he could about how to help me. How helpless I felt - he is all that keeps me going and it feels so sad that he has to spend his life like this.

So today, there was a moment of discovery. Reading things that put a piece into the puzzle of this illness. It started from a blog Gagan found.  So much research to digest - but something struck a chord. The cervical myofascial pain syndrome. I searched more and found the Mayo Clinic site.

Some research suggests that myofascial pain syndrome may develop into fibromyalgia in some people. Fibromyalgia is a chronic condition that causes widespread pain. It's believed that the brains of people with fibromyalgia become more sensitive to pain signals over time. Some doctors believe myofascial pain syndrome may play a role in starting this process.

As I read that, I admit I was crying at my desk. I don't even know why - like a frustrated penny had dropped.  It made sense. I had so much neck pain as a teenager, and doctors and physical therapists couldn't do anything. So many headaches, fatigue, and I was very sick even then. I feel like I can almost see the beginning of the whole thing (though who knows what actually caused it)... that if only we had known, we might have had a chance to stop this from happening.  Hindsight.  No point in that sort of thinking though. Depression lies in that direction.

I don't know if I can get any treatment for this, even though I can clearly see this is a major part of the problem. Not until we are in some other country with doctors who understand it.  Just hold on.

[Not the usual post.... but sometimes fibro yells louder than everything else.]



11/26/09, 10:58 PM

Yes, it makes horrible sense. You had neck pain for years but no useful answers. Knowing is the beginning of correct treatment.


The Out Campaign: Scarlet Letter of Atheism